Wow how time flies. It’s been almost a year now. And it’s constantly on my mind again. January 30th will mark 1 year since my heart stopped. That’s 1 year of many sleepless nights. One year of near constant fear and stress. One year of many, many doctor appointments. It’s also one year of watching my babies grow. One year of living life knowing it could really end at any moment. One year of actually living, not just being alive.

I got to see you, the many, many people that cared about me. I mean really cared. Cared enough to put on and show up to a fundraiser on my behalf. Cared enough to reach out to my friends and family with encouragement. Cared enough to share with me how you and your loved ones had similar experiences. The ones that lived and those less fortunate. Cared enough to put my family and me in your prayers. Cared enough to encourage me when I thought I couldn’t do it anymore. And for all of these things, I thank you.

I don’t remember anything from the week it happened. I don’t remember the days right before or the few days after. From what I’m told, you all felt more pain than me in those days. I can’t imagine how my parents felt when the doctors told them I may not live, and if I did, I would never be the same as they knew me. I don’t know nor can I comprehend how that must’ve felt. I do remember waking up that Friday night in the hospital with my mom asleep beside me. I remember not being scared like I knew I was in the hospital. I don’t remember the day before when I’m told I first woke up and talked to various people. I remember the doctor asking me if I knew what happened. Then he told me my heart stopped and I died. My first thought, was that’s cool. Then it really hit me and scared the death right out of me. Pun intended.

The pain in my chest made it hard to sleep. Also eat, drink, move, breath, etc. But I’m thankful for that pain because that was caused by the people that saved my life with CPR. One of those next few times seeing the doctor he told me I was lucky to have those people around because this usually happens to people in their sleep. I believe this is the reason I can’t sleep. There’s nights where I still don’t sleep. I live alone so many nights I’m just plain scared to go to sleep. The ironic thing is I can nap almost anywhere now. It’s because I feel more comfortable sleeping when someone/anyone is around. I’m fairly certain this is an unhealthy fear but I haven’t quite been able to completely shake it yet. I thought I had, then January came around and it began to show again.

You have no idea how many well timed texts and calls I received this year out of the blue. Right when I needed them. From old friends, to people I didn’t even know. I rarely shared my fears and stresses. I tried to keep myself busy and occupied so it wouldn’t be on my mind. Those words of encouragement kept me going. I tried to tell each of you how much it meant to me. I know some of you I never did. I may have been too overwhelmed in the moment and then forgot later. And for that I apologize. I urge you to continue that practice. When you are thinking of someone, reach out to them. It probably means more than you realize.

I saw my doctor often in the beginning days that tapered to less often now. As of November, I don’t have to see him again until May! My defibrillator reports nightly though so if something happens, they can be alerted. He sent me to Dallas for some genetic testing to see if we may determine what caused this. Those results came back inconclusive. My main reason for doing this was to determine if my kids may have something we could know and potentially prevent it but also other family members like my sister and even cousins.

My kids. I’m so glad I got to see them grow another year. I remember sensing the fear they had. I know they were happy to see me again but I was oh so happy to see and hold them. Kids are tough. Another kid at school told Olivia her dad had a heart attack before she even knew.(I didn’t have a heart attack.) I can’t imagine how that must feel to a first grader. Travis really took interest in checking on my incision from my defibrillator. He still looks at the scar and likes to touch the ICD. I’m hoping they are both young enough they don’t really remember much of this year as it pertains to this.

When you experience something like this, it’s a great reminder that life is fragile. It can end at any time. Therefore I want to live while I’m here. I want to really live. I had a work trip planned to California just weeks after I left the hospital. Against my doctors advice, I went. There was no way I was going to live in a bubble now. I got to visit Anaheim and Huntington Beach. I got to see Los Angeles and the Santa Monica Pier at the end of Route 66. Those are things I may never have the opportunity to see again. I went with my family to Branson. I watched the kids have an absolute blast. We visited more family in Bay St. Louis and went to the OLG Crab Festival. I spent more time on the lake and river. Even when it was just me riding alone in the boat. That’s one of my happy places. I went to the park and just enjoyed nature. I drove the long way to showing appointments to see the countryside and travel roads I didn’t travel as often. I made a point to “stop and smell the roses” of life. I took a surprise trip to Boston. Alone. I explored the city and visited Fenway for a Red Sox/Yankees game. I set more life goals instead of quite so many business goals.

I usually like to have a focus word for the year. This year I think it’s going to be “People”. I’m going to let my friends and family know how much they mean to me. Yet I’m also going to make and take opportunities to show complete strangers that someone cares. I’m going to be intentional about showing kindness to everyone. I’m going to focus on people this year. I’m not big on New Years resolutions so this year I made a New Years Decision. This year I’m going to live, not just be alive. I encourage you to consider living too. I mean really living.